I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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