I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
