Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
