and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
