All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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