Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
