dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
