Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
