When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
