I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
