I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
