If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
