in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
