A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
