I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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