I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
