what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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