Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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