Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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