Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
