she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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