saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
