Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
