If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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