It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
