it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
