when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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