I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
