6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
