Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
