I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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