It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
