Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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