Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I could have mohawked her pubes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
