Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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