Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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