These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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