If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
