U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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