When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
