This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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