can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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