Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
