He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
