id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
