im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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