3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
