I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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