You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
