its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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