Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
