Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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