i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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